As I held my newborn daughter in my arms, I realized my life was exactly as I envisioned it to be – it was perfect! I was healthy, I had a supportive husband, amazing family and friends, living in a beautiful home, and a promising career ahead of me. But most importantly, I had just given my 4 year old daughter a healthy baby sister. In other words, you can say that I was living in a moment of content. A very short moment. I’m not sure when it all happened, but it seemed like things changed instantly- and drastically.
Suddenly, I had lost my appetite and this led to me starving myself for days. The only way I could fall asleep was by crying. In fact, I cried so much every night that my pillow became drenched in tears and my depressed eyes became swollen. Then, there was that urge to run away from everything and everyone; I just needed to escape from this world that I was drowning in. The thought of killing myself was a constant. The worst part was the immense guilt I felt for feeling this way. How dare I feel this way?! I had everything I ever wanted in life, that most people only dream of having! I had a family to take care of; it was selfish for me to leave them when they needed me! But, despite convincing myself that I had it all, I still felt as if I had nothing. I just couldn’t fight this void feeling; however, I did try to conceal it. I put a huge amount of effort into hiding these feelings from my friends and family, and even my husband. In front of them, I had to remind myself to slap on a fake smile, afterall, I didn’t want to be judged. It was bad enough I was judging myself, I didn’t need another person informing me that it was selfish to feel this way. Continue reading